You broke me. Forgiveness put me back together.

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You broke me. Forgiveness put me back together.

             I dream of my illuminated self. I don’t want to dazzle and I don’t want to sparkle.
I do not want to be set ablaze – shinning so brightly everyone has to shield their eyes from
me or risk being burned. No, that’s not me. That’s not what I want. I envision a soft glow
emanating from my very essence. Just enough to help light your path. Casting a warm glow
over you to show your beauty, not highlight your flaws. The kind of light a fire gives off, that
puts your mind at ease and your soul at rest.

That’s the light I dream of.

Instead though, YOU have consumed every ounce of light. Annihilating any chance I had to shine. The light simply can not reach me.

I am a shadow.

I aim for the light, but I fall short. I ALWAYS fall short. I can only thrive in the darkness, for it has become my home. YOU have made me like this. YOU have veiled everything in sinister curtains of emptiness.

25 years.
 

TWENTY – FIVE FREAKING YEARS!!  

That’s how long it’s taken me to write this. That’s how long it’s taken to stitch my pieces back together. The pieces that YOU broke. 

                        I am so tired of hiding. So gut wrenchingly exhausted of being terrified to close my eyes. You took everything from me. My childhood – my innocence. My happiness and chance at a normal life. You defiled my body. You betrayed me. We were family and you took advantage of that. I lost count of how many times you crept into my bedroom at night and used my tiny body as your sexual plaything. While I still had baby fat, YOU used me for YOUR gratification!! I was a CHILD and YOU abused your authority over me to satisfy your delusional sexual needs!!! For YEARS you wielded your dominance over me with weapons and words, knowing that I was not in a position mentally or emotionally to push back very hard. So many, many nights I lay silent and still. The only sign I was still alive were the tears trickling down my face. What else could a CHILD do? I had no power!!! 

 You have created a scar that will never heal. YOU have STOLEN things from me that I wasn’t even old enough to give! You have marred my vision and everything will always be tainted. I don’t know if I will ever see anything as pure or whole again. There isn’t water hot enough to cleanse me. Believe me, I’ve tried. I have the scars to prove it. I’m broken because of you. I’m petrified of the dark. We all know horrible things happen at night. I never sleep. I am royally and officially screwed up, without any chance of healing. 

Or so I thought. 

                  For years I have been hating you and wishing for horrible evil things to happen to you. And really, what has it done? Has my hating you affected you at all? No, but it has destroyed me. For so long I have been building and perfecting a wall that YOU made me build. I needed protection. So I continually reinforced my wall…which ended up being my jail cell. It wasn’t keeping people out, it was keeping ME IN. I let you do that. I gave you that power and I have given you too much already. More than you deserved. You forced yourself and claimed my past, but you can’t have my future and you can’t have my happiness.

 I am reclaiming them.

It has taken nearly my whole life, but I have come to realize that I have been a source of light all along. All those years I thought of myself as part of the darkness, when in reality…YOU were blocking my light because I was allowing you to. You were the monster in the darkness and convinced me I couldn’t survive in the light.

BUT I AM THE LIGHT!!

I am not damaged or ruined. I’ve pieced myself back together, and I allow my light to shine through all the tiny cracks left behind…and I am BREATHTAKING!!

In spite of all the damage you have caused, I have found love. I have found happiness, and I have found peace. The road here was hard and ugly, but I am here. I am alive, when for so long I begged not to be…because of you.

I still sometimes forget my strength, and have to be reminded, but I am surrounded by beautiful souls who all help me shine.

All that’s left is for you to know that, what you did was not ok. It will never be ok. It will never be acceptable or justified. YOU were wrong.

But…I forgive you.

 I hope you get the help you so desperately need, because whether you realize it or not, you need help.

I hope you acknowledge and accept what you have done and work your way through it, and find your healing and peace.

I hope you find happiness in this world and decide to help make it a more beautiful place.
   

You created so much darkness and ugliness, I pray that you find a way to bring color and light into the world.  

But. Most of all, I want you to know that I forgive you.

I forgive you, because it’s what I need to do to heal and move on. You didn’t ask for it, and honestly a part of me will always feel you don’t deserve it, but holding onto my hatred and anger was making me darker. I need to be free from the guilt and shame you placed upon me. I want to shine, and to do that I need to let go of the burdens darkening my soul.

You broke me. Forgiveness put me back together.

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10 responses »

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience of forgiving the predator in your life. I also had a predator, not family but it twisted and darkened my life, I suppose even still. He destroyed my childhood and adolescence and I built myself a jail cell. As I got older I went through tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now a 48 yo man, disabled, alone because after my last surgery that went terribly wrong my wife left me and so I just exist. I continue breathing because I have a 15 year old son of whom I love and adore. I too am a Christian and was in ministry for several years. I pray every day, find solace in God’s word and worship but the loneliness, the hurt, the pain of being left behind when I was in my prime is the darkest place I’ve known. Your words touched my heart and soul and I am so sorry for what you went through. I thank God that you have found true love, family and happiness. You are not just a light but a bright shining light of hope for me tonight so I want to thank you as tears flow down my face. If its not to much to ask, will you pray for me and that even for me God has a special woman. I am not dead, I have a huge loving heart and a gentle and kind spirit. Everyday I try my best to be an encourager to every one I meet. I have a heart for God and a heart for people. Anyway, thank you so much for being a light to me. God bless you, your husband and children. May you sense the sweet presence of God’s Spirit loving you and working through you. Sincerely, Mark

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    • Mark you are the most important person in your sons life,your his light!!! I know what it feels like to be left at ur darkest and lowest…I wasn’t left I was let down,betrayed emotionally and then physically beat and so how could a man I thought loved Me?married me..a man I thought vowed to protect me,hurt me?? He still tries to justify and not take responsibility..he has blackened my soul for so long ,brought me down ,lost jobs cuz of him,friends,myself even. And now I’m losing my roof because I refuse to let him back in and now as I struggle to find work and to provide foe my young son,as I cry day in and day out asking y I wasn’t loved,why do I deserve this many years of sadness n misery to end up ending with being held down with him pressing his thumb deep into my throat and the n slamming Me into the ground and as I scramble to get up and run to bed,he laughs at me and calls me weak..I’m broken because I am losing it all and I’ve lost me. I feel like I’ll never be loved or get forward in life ..I’m falling deeper as I speak now and I feel ill I’m failing my son . I am so scared ,not only cuz I don’t think I’ll ever find someone I can trust but because I have nothing now he made sure I would t leave cuz I’d have nowhere to go and no money…but u am doing just so,this time I will rise and fight…so my point is you do the same!! Someone will see u and love u and or u will make a difference in someone’s life . I wish u the best.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your journey. I too was abused by a predator. He wasn’t family. My family moved and we never saw him again. No justice on earth, but one day, he will answer for what he did, unless he finds forgiveness thru our Savior! God bless you and your family.

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  3. I’m so happy to read your beautiful words of Light. Wow! What a powerful statement of faith! Forgiving empowers one to walk in the Light.

    The Light that set me free and gave me hope to forgive is the Light of Yeshua, the Living Word. He came to me when I was yet in my own sin and forgave me, purified me, renewed me in Him, and compelled me to renew my mind. He gave me power over the darkness through His Spirit. If He was willing to forgive me, how could I refuse to forgive others?

    He showed me a prison. In the prison, chairs. Bound in the chairs, my human enemies. In that same room, I found the image of myself bound in another chair by the same cord. On the cord, my enemies’ sins against me soaked in my own blood and tears. Hopelessly joined with my enemies, I remained. Outside the prison, Light. Suddenly, Hope shattered the darkened window glass that kept out the Light. Light streamed in and bathed the image of me in warmth of the Son. In the prison, that was the only light. Total darkness consumed the inner halls. Suddenly, Light flooded the room and my cord loosened. I started to release the cord that bound me; I had been holding it firmly in place the entire time! Intertwined chair to chair, I could see that in order to fully free myself, I had to free my enemies. Slowly, only by the Lord’s might, He gave me the power to free each of them. Slowly, the chairs were emptied. Outside the prison room, some still roam the prison halls in darkness of their own choosing. Outside the prison, I am free in the Light!

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  4. To frayed mama and others……Accept Christ in your heart and depend on Him, Jesus and He will make a difference in your life. I am so sorry for what you had to go thru…..it just is not right. God be with you and bless you !!

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  5. This is great. I was in the middle of reading where you said you could never recover, and I was thinking, “Noo, you can, with you” and then it took a turn for the better. 🙂 Yes, it’s in people. How they see it is everything.

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  6. God says that his ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. Indeed, who of us first think that forgiveness toward an aggressor who causes great suffering can/should ever be tolerated, possible or even considered? Let alone willed. And yet by His own actions, God led the way in Jesus’ example as he paid Adam’s penalty for cosmic treason for all of human kind. I firmly believe that taking this great step to forgive the aggressors in our lives causes Satin’s power to become impotent within our very souls which then opens the way for healing and then the light of God’s grace to brighten the world within and around us. Living our lives with the power that comes through the forgiveness and blessing of others as God does will produce godly fruit that by definition is simply unimaginable. For his ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. PtL that you have discovered the strength and beauty that lies in forgiveness. The surface to understanding God’s ways has been scratched. Keep on!

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