I dream of my illuminated self. I don’t want to dazzle and I don’t want to sparkle.
I do not want to be set ablaze – shinning so brightly everyone has to shield their eyes from
me or risk being burned. No, that’s not me. That’s not what I want. I envision a soft glow
emanating from my very essence. Just enough to help light your path. Casting a warm glow
over you to show your beauty, not highlight your flaws. The kind of light a fire gives off, that
puts your mind at ease and your soul at rest.
That’s the light I dream of.
Instead though, YOU have consumed every ounce of light. Annihilating any chance I had to shine. The light simply can not reach me.
I am a shadow.
I aim for the light, but I fall short. I ALWAYS fall short. I can only thrive in the darkness, for it has become my home. YOU have made me like this. YOU have veiled everything in sinister curtains of emptiness.
TWENTY – FIVE FREAKING YEARS!!
That’s how long it’s taken me to write this. That’s how long it’s taken to stitch my pieces back together. The pieces that YOU broke.
I am so tired of hiding. So gut wrenchingly exhausted of being terrified to close my eyes. You took everything from me. My childhood – my innocence. My happiness and chance at a normal life. You defiled my body. You betrayed me. We were family and you took advantage of that. I lost count of how many times you crept into my bedroom at night and used my tiny body as your sexual plaything. While I still had baby fat, YOU used me for YOUR gratification!! I was a CHILD and YOU abused your authority over me to satisfy your delusional sexual needs!!! For YEARS you wielded your dominance over me with weapons and words, knowing that I was not in a position mentally or emotionally to push back very hard. So many, many nights I lay silent and still. The only sign I was still alive were the tears trickling down my face. What else could a CHILD do? I had no power!!!
You have created a scar that will never heal. YOU have STOLEN things from me that I wasn’t even old enough to give! You have marred my vision and everything will always be tainted. I don’t know if I will ever see anything as pure or whole again. There isn’t water hot enough to cleanse me. Believe me, I’ve tried. I have the scars to prove it. I’m broken because of you. I’m petrified of the dark. We all know horrible things happen at night. I never sleep. I am royally and officially screwed up, without any chance of healing.
Or so I thought.
For years I have been hating you and wishing for horrible evil things to happen to you. And really, what has it done? Has my hating you affected you at all? No, but it has destroyed me. For so long I have been building and perfecting a wall that YOU made me build. I needed protection. So I continually reinforced my wall…which ended up being my jail cell. It wasn’t keeping people out, it was keeping ME IN. I let you do that. I gave you that power and I have given you too much already. More than you deserved. You forced yourself and claimed my past, but you can’t have my future and you can’t have my happiness.
I am reclaiming them.
It has taken nearly my whole life, but I have come to realize that I have been a source of light all along. All those years I thought of myself as part of the darkness, when in reality…YOU were blocking my light because I was allowing you to. You were the monster in the darkness and convinced me I couldn’t survive in the light.
BUT I AM THE LIGHT!!
I am not damaged or ruined. I’ve pieced myself back together, and I allow my light to shine through all the tiny cracks left behind…and I am BREATHTAKING!!
In spite of all the damage you have caused, I have found love. I have found happiness, and I have found peace. The road here was hard and ugly, but I am here. I am alive, when for so long I begged not to be…because of you.
I still sometimes forget my strength, and have to be reminded, but I am surrounded by beautiful souls who all help me shine.
All that’s left is for you to know that, what you did was not ok. It will never be ok. It will never be acceptable or justified. YOU were wrong.
But…I forgive you.
I hope you get the help you so desperately need, because whether you realize it or not, you need help.
I hope you acknowledge and accept what you have done and work your way through it, and find your healing and peace.
I hope you find happiness in this world and decide to help make it a more beautiful place.
You created so much darkness and ugliness, I pray that you find a way to bring color and light into the world.
But. Most of all, I want you to know that I forgive you.
I forgive you, because it’s what I need to do to heal and move on. You didn’t ask for it, and honestly a part of me will always feel you don’t deserve it, but holding onto my hatred and anger was making me darker. I need to be free from the guilt and shame you placed upon me. I want to shine, and to do that I need to let go of the burdens darkening my soul.
You broke me. Forgiveness put me back together.